Mom’s Resume Proves She’s the Hardest Worker

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

Mom

ADDRESS: Anywhere U.S.A.

CELL PHONE: My kids have it, so no use including the number

HOME PHONE: I’ll just assume you are a telemarketer, so don’t bother

EMAIL: IronicMommyDearest@ThisIsaFakeEmail.com

BIO: I’m a mother, a giver of life. My talents include changing diapers, making pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse, and planning birthday parties with the raddest themes, including Italian pizza chef and Spidey web slinging. But my skillset doesn’t stop there. I cure boo boos with a kiss and know how to bring down the temperature of both someone with a fever and someone having a tantrum.You’ll probably overlook me, but it will be your great, great loss.

EXPERIENCE:

Labor and Delivery

I pushed a human being the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon…twice. That’s all you need to know. I should be able to stop right here.

Negotiations

Negotiations are my sweet spot. I have to use diplomacy to convince my son to share his pet dinosaur with my nephew. And I have been the go-between for Italian relatives fighting about money. One of those fights looks like two cats in an alley screeching in the crude…